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How to Love An Unfaithful Husband Again
Author: Katie Lersch
I often write about rescuing your marriage after an affair. Women often tell me that although they really want to save their marriage, they aren't able to imagine that they would ever trust and / or love their husbands again. They're afraid that too much destruction has taken place that can never be fixed. In essence, they feel beaten before they've even begun.
Often my response to the question "will I ever be able to love my husband again after his affair?" is a resounding yes. But, it won't always be easy. A lot of hard work is required, along with a willingness to see things from a different point of view, an open heart, and the ability to remember the positive as well as to consider the negative.
In Order To Bring Back The Love And Trust After His Being Unfaithful, You'll Need To Have Your Own Needs Met: Many times, people focus on the spouse who had the affair. There's a lot of talk about him not having his needs met as the reason that the affair happened. However, healing from an affair requires that you focus on YOUR needs as much as his. In order to love and trust him again, you will need to fully heal. And, in order to heal, you'll likely need the following.
You'll need to know that you've been heard and understood. You need reassurance that your husband knows just how much this has hurt you and that he feels your pain and will remember how awful this feels so that he won't want to repeat this behavior.
You'll need to know that he takes responsibility for his actions and holds himself accountable. He doesn't try to offer up excuses or shift the blame to you. He knows that to restore your trust, he must be an open book. He must tell you where he's going to be and be exactly where he said. He should allow you access to his cell phone and email if you ask. He should check in and reassure you that he still finds you desirable and is fully committed to doing whatever it takes to save this marriage.
If your husband isn't at this place, this doesn't mean he won't be. Often men will first try to downplay things hoping that not talking about it will make it go away. It's only after you make it very clear that you won't accept this does he realize that he can't just stick his head in the sand.
Finally, you both must be willing to be open and honest and to do the hard work necessary to understand why this affair happened. You'll need to improve intimacy and communication. You'll need to place safeguards in your marriage so that you're both secure in the fact that this isn't going to happen again. This is non negotiable. It must happen because if it doesn't, you're always going to wonder if you can trust him and you'll always have doubts.
Finally, you need to focus on creating a new, brighter reality. What's the point if you're going to limp along in the same vulnerable marriage? You want one that is better and that is created by two much happier individuals. Focus on reconnecting, creating new memories, and developing something that is so solid that there's no need to look back and live in the past.
You Must Love Yourself First In Order To Love Your Husband Again: This is huge, but so many women ignore this. If you are truly going to believe that your husband still loves you, then you must love yourself. An affair can be a death blow to our self esteem. We start to worry that we've let ourselves go, that we're no longer sexy in his eyes, and that the spark can't be reignited. The key to turning this around is seeing yourself as enough - that yes, you'd better believe you ARE sexy, you ARE desirable and that he's darn lucky to have you. Once you believe this about yourself, accepting his love and loving him back is so much easier.
Remembering Who He Was Before He Made One Very Unfortunate Mistake And Decided To Be Unfaithful: Please don't take this last paragraph wrong. I don't want you to think that I'm defending your husband. I'm not. However, I have so many men who write me who are desperate to make their wives see that the cheating was one time thing that they'd give anything to take back. They also often ask me how to communicate to their wives that the affair had nothing to do with them. Men cheat to make themselves feel better about aging, having responsibilities, and losing vitality. They want to feel desirable, understood, appreciated, and worthy.
They can and should have gotten this from their wives, but they've made an unfortunate impulsive decision that they can't take back. To love this man again, you have to have the time and distance to be able to separate the man from his decision. When I decided to save my marriage, I had to remember my husband as the guy who never left my side when my appendix burst, as the man who weekly gives blood to the red cross, as the guy who sat with my grandfather when we removed life support because I couldn't bear to do it but wanted someone holding his hand when he passed. The million and one great things my husband did went in to my decision to forgive this one bad thing.
In the end, it was a conscious decision on my part not to allow this one mistake to tear down the entire life that we'd built for ourselves. That doesn't mean the affair didn't hurt and shake me. It did. But, I decided that this man was worth fighting for and I vowed to take responsibility for my part in our marriage's vulnerabilities. I committed to doing the work necessary to drastically improve our marriage and I've never regretted it.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
how i am going to trust my husband again after having an affair?
I just found out that my husband having again an affair w/ the same woman for 2 years now, they’re having an affair 4 years back and i thought he ended it already, just i came to know that they started again after 2 years. I found some of his e-mails to the girl, telling how much he love her and he cant let her go, is he really in love w/ her? is he staying w/ me just because of our kids? can i trust him again?
You answered your own question. You cannot trust him. Best to make yourself happy and move on with life, and take your kids with you. What a jerk! Once was too many time to cheat!
How do I get my husband to trust me again?
My husband and I have been together on and off since I was 16. When I was 17 I messed up and had sex with someone else while we were together very very very dumb. My husband is a very kind and caring man he always has been. I broke up with him when I was 20, and had sex with another guy but I was still having sex with him again very very very not Good, my husband is a very good man.My now husband found out about it and it was horrible. We still got back together,and stayed together.When I was 21 he had to move.we stayed together for about 3 months after he moved. fast forward to last year age 26/27.I had been looking for him for about 2 years and there was never a day that I didn’t think about. He was my first, and the only man I really loved. I have a 2 year old baby now. I find him on Facebook and everything feels like we never broke up. The love and every thing is still there for both of us. So we start face booking, talking on the phone, and skyeping. Start going back together,then get engaged, then get married October 2010.
so that makes 6 years we have not seen each other in person. During those six years we were not together we both dated other people.
And when I was 22 I had sex with the boy I cheated on my husband with when he was in high school again. My husband just found out that I had sex with the boy from high school today, and now he is saying he wishes he never married me.
I know I made horrible choices in the past, but I have changed so much since I had my son, and learned a lot more about life and loving myself.Every since we got married he has been checking my Facebook, Twitter, and e-mail,calls me a lie, and says he regrets marrying me.I have no problem with him having access to my accounts.I have my passwords saved in my computer, and I even gave him my passwords. I have nothing to hide. But he twists whatever he sees into me cheating or being sneaky. I have nothing to hide. I am a very very very spiritual person now, all I want is love and peace with us. But all he can think about is the past.I try to be the best wife I can be to him but it doesn’t count for anything. He is not sleeping with me right because he is still so mad at me.besides love and time, what can I do to get him to start trusting me again? Divorce is out of the question.
How can I learn to trust my husband again after he cheated?
my husband cheated a couple of months ago and I took him back. Since he does everything he can to prove to me he changed, but I’m going crazy worrying that it will happen again. He can’t leave the house without checking in with me and I’m constantly accusing him, because I don’t want to be hurt again. He told me that he cant take it anymore and my trust issue is making him not want to be married anymore. I have tried to trust him and get past it but I cant…any advice
It’s only been a couple of months since he cheated? Then he has nothing to complain about. It takes a long time to get over something like this, and you may never completely let go of it. I agree that both you and your husband need counselling. He has to find out why he cheated in the first place and you need to talk to someone about your feelings. I hope everything works out for you two.
How do I get to trust my husband again?
I’ve been in a relationship for almost five years. Out of those 5 years I’ve been 2 years married. My husband and I are both 24 years old. We have always had a healthy and good relationship. Around less than a year ago one of his co worker at the bank started texting him even after work hours and during weekends. Whenever she will send a text I will go later to check and the message was deleted. Even a call trace was deleted. One time I asked him, what is it you can’t talk about during work that she calls you after work hours? This had me worried until one time he knew I found out her name and he went ahead and changed her name in his cellphone contacts. I still found out. So I wrote down her cell number and told her to (fuck off) in a nice way. Since then I believe she hasn’t bugged him. Now, around the same time when I think everything’s over one of the guys that used to like me started texting me. My husband found out and I told him I don’t talk to him so now is all coming back. He thinks I’m a liar, hypocrite, etc. The problem is that both of us have been talking in some way to these people and now that we don’t anymore the trust is still lost between us.
I had to lock my phone because he checks it constantly thinking he is going to find something and I even do that too! We have cursed each other, I have slapped him and scratched him like never before, he has offended me verbally so now it’s out of control. We love each other but I don’t know how to gain that trust again, same for him. I want to trust again and I want him to trust me. We had the same problem, talked but it seems to come back. Does he have the right to go through my phone? Isn’t that privacy invasion even though we are married? PLEASE HELP….
At this point way too much damage has been done. You guys have even went as far as getting physical with each other…..not cool!
All your trust is gone and I don’t see it coming back. Even though you may not have been talking to that guy, the timing of him texting you looked soooo bad! So the truth doesn’t matter at that point.
You say “Does he have the right to go through my phone? Isn’t that privacy invasion even though we are married?”
BUT YOU WENT THROUGH HIS PHONE TOO?!?! You are a hypocrite!
After the trust is broken the LAST thing you should be doing is locking your phone. When you are caught lying and being sneaky your privacy is out the window.
How can i trust my husband again?
He had a profile on a couple porn websites and ashleymadison.com too also myspace girls always flirting so i thought he was cheating. honestly i still do. lately hes been making a lot of effort to show me hes changed and wants to keep us together and happily married but i dont kno how to trust him.
You don’t, and you won’t. He’s going to have to understand that first and foremost if you are going to work it out.