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I Feel Like I Keep Punishing My Husband For His Affair
Author: Katie Lersch
I often get emails or correspondence from wives who tell me that they although they hate feeling this way, they are so angry with their husbands for cheating that they want to figure out some way to "get back at him" or to "punish him." In short, they want to make him hurt and feel pain in the same way that they are right now. They want to make him very sorry for his actions and for his betrayal. And, they often feel quite guilty for and bad about this.
The truth is, this feeling is very normal. I would say that not feeling this way is the exception rather than the rule. But, although these feelings are normal, it's very important not to let him take over your life. Honestly, they will only make you feel worse about your situation and about yourself. Part of the reason that you're feeling this way is that you're looking for some action to take that can provide you with some relief and sense of closure. There are actions that are going to provide this much more than punishing him are going to. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Why You Likely Want To Punish Your Husband's Affair Or Cheating: Although I am not in your shoes right this second, I do know how you feel. I have been in this situation. And I know that you likely want to lash out at your husband for hurting you this way. He has dealt you a devastating blow and you're well within your rights to want for him to pay for this. We very often suspect that cheating husbands don't really know how awful we are feeling and aren't nearly sorry enough for this betrayal.
So, we figure if we can withhold our affection, do something to get back at him, or to rub salt into the wounds, it will in turn make us feel better and will make him feel worse. But, what we don't realize at the time is that following this path will often only make both of us feel worse and will only prolong the negative and devastating feelings.
Why Getting Back At Your Husband For Cheating Will Likely Hurt You As Much As It Hurts Him: I'm telling you this from experience. I know that for me, lashing out and acting in a way that was beneath me only made me feel worse when my intention all along was for it to make me feel better.
Because once you begin to play the game to one up him in nasty behavior, this will bring you right down to a level that you probably never intended to go. One of the reasons for this is that you are continuing to focus on negative emotions. And getting into the habit of always dwelling in negative places will usually only makes you continue to feel bad. Your intentions are usually based on lessening the tension and getting a sense of closure and relief, but usually, the exact opposite happens.
You get into the habit of feeling and acting badly and then you have a situation where your husband is reacting to your actions. You're both angry. You're both reeling. You're both accusatory. Now, you have more problems and issues to deal with and things become quite confused and muddled when you try to work through this because now every one is to blame and you have much more much to wade through.
I often have women tell me that they are considering having their own affair to "get back" at their cheating husband. But, I have to tell you that this almost always backfires and only makes bigger problems for yourself and your marriage. Typically, you might well feel better momentarily, but once the dust settles you will realize that you might have made things worse rather than better.
More Positive Ways To Attempt When You Feel Like You Want To Make Your Husband Pay For The Affair: Please don't misunderstand me. I certainly do not advocate there being no consequences of your husbands cheating. He certainly must make amends on the level that reaches your satisfaction if he has any chance of saving your marriage. He must show his true remorse and he must do whatever he has to do to make this up to you (if you both want to move forward together.)
And, there is nothing wrong with your waiting until you have these things to your full satisfaction. You are within your rights to withhold your commitment and forgiveness until the deserves to receive it. But, at the end of the day, I think that what we all want is to get our lives back. We want to be confident, trusting and to feel love again. This process takes time and a lot of work. Getting back at or punishing your husband with your own bad behavior will often only delay this and just make things worse.
I too wanted to get back at and punish my cheating husband. So, I know exactly how the "cheated on" spouse feels. But, I also know that healing and moving on is possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
God wants me to cheat on my husband.?
Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been a devout Christian.
I’ve read the bible, gone to church and done everything my priests have asked of me.
I’ve been cheating on my husband since before we got married with quite a few men (and some women).
For the most part I use protection but sometimes I forget.
I do feel guilty sometimes because my husband, God bless him, loves me very much and has very low self esteem.
But here’s the thing:
When I was a little girl, God came to me in a dream and told me it was important that I have sex with many people.
It came as a confirmation from God because I had been having a strictly sexual relationship with a priest, whom had told me of God’s sexy plan for me.
I had another dream recently after my husband caught me in bed again with a few of his friends.
God came to me yet again and told me he loved me and appreciated my faith in his job for me.
He came to me in the form of Michael Jackson, I believe as a form of comfort in my time of need.
I’ve always been a fan of Michael Jackson and was sad when God took him from us.
He told me that it was okay for me to have sex with black men.
I guess I just want some kind of human confirmation, not judgement.
For Jesus himself said, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.”
For who are we to question the words of our creator when we were created to do his will.
And as for my sexy quest, God created man, then woman, so for me to have sex with them is like me having sex with God’s infinite wisdom.
God bless, and to all you non-believers you must change your sinful lifestyles or you shall spend an eternity burning in the fires fueled by your evil ways.
Plenty of people speak with God.
If you tell me that what he says to me aren’t his words then how can you say that anything he’s told anyone else aren’t his words.
I seek the word of TRUE believers of God.
Not those who will discredit some of his words because they don’t like some of what he says.
Why do married women cheat? especially if they have kids and a secure home & lifestyle with their husbands?
We always address why we think men cheat but, lets shed some light on why women Cheat? What are the men that they cheat with referred to? The Other men? Are husbands as forgiving as wives when they find out hubby is cheating? Please share personal experiences if you have any. I’d like to know.
When I was married I never cheated on my habitual cheating husband.
Simply, I cheated because my husband could not meet my sexual needs. In addition, in today’s society women have the upper hand and have more opportunities to cheat. Men have fallen behind… Also, I believe it can be difficult for 1 man to consistently meet a woman’s needs while men can be satisfied with a flick of the wrist. Lastly, women to day outgrow their husbands in many cases. In my case, I was more successful and kept myself in much better shape while he was stagnant in his job making less than me and not taking care of himself. We were not equally matched and I made a decision to get a man that has the ability to please me more. While I made the decision the wrong way (cheating which resulted in alot of guilt) it was right for me. Even now though,he still wants me back…so go figure?
Why do a lot of people on here think woman are being naive when she says she knows her husband wouldnt cheat?
I see a lot of answers on here from woman who say they know their husbands would never cheat on them and people either call them naive or their in denial…These women are not naive or in denial they just know their husbands better then some total strangers and know what he would or wouldnt do….Like if me and other woman answer a question about cheating husbands most woman including me will say we know our husbands would never cheat on us…There is always some idiot who answers the question also and says woman like us are either naive or in denial…Well im neither cause i know my husband better then anybody and we have been happily married 17 yrs and i know for a fact he wouldnt cheat on me cause he is a great guy,a wonderful husband,loves me more then anything and would never do anything to hurt me or our marriage plus i know his views on cheating….Why do a lot of people call woman naive and act like they know their husbands better then she does.
My husband is 43 and im 39.
Yes eggrole i do know what he would and wouldnt do.
Neither do you eggrole.
Well eggrole thats funny how can my husband be in 2 places at the same time?..
So grneyes8 do you have evidence to prove that ALL men cheat…I dont think so.
This question is NOT just about me but other woman too who say they know their husbands would never cheat so i really dont care what any of you think i know my husband you DONT and these other woman also know their husbands.
Where do people get the idea that i have asked my husband if he would ever cheat….All i said was i know his views on cheating.
because there are too many woman on here who have been cheated on. If the man you loved and promised to spend the rest of his life with you cheats, you assume every man must cheat. They are also jealous of what you have and think by posting comments like that, they can take away some of your happiness. ignore them, it’s not your fault that they were with a piece of shit for a man.
How do I get my husband to trust me again?
My husband and I have been together on and off since I was 16. When I was 17 I messed up and had sex with someone else while we were together very very very dumb. My husband is a very kind and caring man he always has been. I broke up with him when I was 20, and had sex with another guy but I was still having sex with him again very very very not Good, my husband is a very good man.My now husband found out about it and it was horrible. We still got back together,and stayed together.When I was 21 he had to move.we stayed together for about 3 months after he moved. fast forward to last year age 26/27.I had been looking for him for about 2 years and there was never a day that I didn’t think about. He was my first, and the only man I really loved. I have a 2 year old baby now. I find him on Facebook and everything feels like we never broke up. The love and every thing is still there for both of us. So we start face booking, talking on the phone, and skyeping. Start going back together,then get engaged, then get married October 2010.
so that makes 6 years we have not seen each other in person. During those six years we were not together we both dated other people.
And when I was 22 I had sex with the boy I cheated on my husband with when he was in high school again. My husband just found out that I had sex with the boy from high school today, and now he is saying he wishes he never married me.
I know I made horrible choices in the past, but I have changed so much since I had my son, and learned a lot more about life and loving myself.Every since we got married he has been checking my Facebook, Twitter, and e-mail,calls me a lie, and says he regrets marrying me.I have no problem with him having access to my accounts.I have my passwords saved in my computer, and I even gave him my passwords. I have nothing to hide. But he twists whatever he sees into me cheating or being sneaky. I have nothing to hide. I am a very very very spiritual person now, all I want is love and peace with us. But all he can think about is the past.I try to be the best wife I can be to him but it doesn’t count for anything. He is not sleeping with me right because he is still so mad at me.besides love and time, what can I do to get him to start trusting me again? Divorce is out of the question.
To Cheat Or Not To Cheat? Husband Or Ex Lover?
Im so confused! I am a 20yr woman. Im married with 1 child. Overall i didnt want to get married becuz i always felt i was too young but i did it anyway! Ever since i been married ive been keeping up with my old boyfriend without my husband knowledge…Not really talking on the phone but mostly messaging. Whenever his name come up i always act like i could care less about him. Next month im suppose to be going abck home to visit. My ex will be there. I was thinking about cheating but i dunno, any1 have any advice.
PS
i feel like my husband have cheated before with his ex. The saying goes, what comes around goes around. I just dont feel the same connection we used to have. i truly believe were headed for a divorce no matter what i do!
Cheating because someone else might have or has cheated is just wrong, besides to me cheating in any form is wrong and despite what some may think there are people out there that just “don’t” cheat, they stick to their morals and values!!
You are not only keeping a secret from your husband you are lying to him as well about the ex… You seem to know a divorce is coming one way or another so why not do it the right way, get the divorce and then if you want to be back with the ex do so…
“what goes around comes around” was not intended to mean the person that might be getting it is the person to be giving it back, that is just a misconception of the meaning and exactly whom was the one that cheated first? Keeping in a secret communication with an ex is a form of cheating, so lets step up to the bat and do what is right…