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My Husband Is Attracted To Someone Else
Author: Katie Lersch
Over the weekend, I received an email from a frantic woman who said that her husband had admitted that he is sexually attracted to a co worker. The husband swore that nothing had happened between them. There had allegedly been no sex and no physical contact, but the husband was guilty about the attraction and he wanted to tell his wife about it. The wife in turn had no idea how she was supposed to respond to or handle this. Should she be grateful that he told her? Could she believe that nothing was going on? Should she forbid him from seeing this woman? Should she be angry? Was this the same as cheating? I'll tell you what I told her in the following article.
If Your Husband Is Telling You About His Attraction To Someone Else Before An Affair Has Happened, This Is A Positive Thing: I can't tell you how many women write to me AFTER an affair has already happened and wish that the husband had told him about his feelings before anything happened (when they could actually do something about it.) Often, once the cat is out of the bag, it's already too late.
So, as much as it may hurt right now, I can promise you that this is better than being told about it after the fact. You're being given a very valuable heads up that can allow you to prevent a huge amount of damage. Yes, I know that it hurts. Yes, I know that you probably still feel quite betrayed and angry. This is completely understandable, but you also have to appreciate that your husband was willing to be honest with you, as hard and as risky as that might have been for him. The truth is he could've acted on this sexual attraction without uttering one word. Many men do this without a second thought. The fact that he came to you first indicates that he wants to fix things before he turns a corner that may well change the landscape of your marriage.
How To Handle It When Your Husband Tells You He's Attracted To Someone Else: Hopefully, by now you can see that there is some positive about this. However, the question as to what you should do now remains. You can't just ignore this. If this was just a little thing that would go away on it's own, your husband wouldn't risk what he is by telling you. He clearly thinks that this is serious enough to bring your attention to it. This situation has to be taken seriously and handled very quickly.
First, you should ask your husband for clarification. Without hounding or becoming hysterical, you should ask for further specifics. How long has he felt this way? How does she respond to him? Have they been together without others present? Is there mutual flirting going on? Has she approached him for something more? You need to know if he's having feelings that are being reciprocated.
Now, it's very important that you be very conscious of how you respond when he answers to these questions. Because if you respond with anger or more rapid fire questions, he's going to then know that he can't be honest with you because if he is, he'll only get a negative reaction. So, he's going to learn to clam up and to hide things from you. You can't have this. You need to keep communication open so that you can keep tabs on this situation.
The Best Way To Keep Your Husband From Her: Women will often ask me if they should forbid their husbands from seeing the other woman. Actually, you should leave this up to him. Your best bet is to make him happy and fulfilled at home so that he's motivated to stay away from her. Basically, you should outline for him that you want to focus on repairing and strengthening your marriage. Tell him that in order to do this, he can no longer have contact with her. It will be impossible or very difficult for you to keep his attention and commitment if you're always having to worry about her.
It's important that he get some pay off for telling you the truth so that he's encouraged to keep communication open. Try to be receptive, upbeat and committed to improving your marriage. If he sees that his situation is improved by being honest and open with you, he'll continue putting your marriage and you first. You have to do your part by allowing him to be honest about what's making him look elsewhere and then immediately addressing and fixing the issues.
The bottom line is that it's never fun to hear that your husband is attracted to someone else. But, his telling you about this before anything has actually happened actually shows his commitment and loyalty to you. This is actually a very positive thing. Many women do not have this luxury, so take advantage of this heads up and strengthen your marriage so that you never have to worry about this woman again.
I know that processing this is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before (and my husband did NOT tell me before he took action.) But, I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Husband had affair with coworker 1 yr ago-they still work together-how do I cope?
My husband had an affair 1 year ago. He claims it was mostly emotional with some physical (i.e. everything but actual sex). I originally found cell calls. He said she was crushing on him. I believed him until-3 weeks later I found love letters between them both. He claims they broke if off. I believe him (won’t go into why-but I think he is telling the truth). Problem is they work togethe and she is still actively persuing him by continuing to tell him she loves him. He has tried to make it up to me and since we have 4 kids together I am trying to make it work. Any suggestions on how to cope with the ongoing contact these two have due to working together.
Did ask him to quit but it’s a good job and with the economy the way it is and having 4 kids I’m afraid for the future for these kids. So I haven’t forced it. I also have confronted her and said a few choice words-it didn’t help.
What would you do about finding out about your husband & a coworker?
I’ve been married for 14 years and I just recently found out that sometime in the first couple of years we were married that my husband had an emotional affair with a coworker. He asked her to send him nude pictures and she did. (She also knew he was married to me.)
He has masturbated to them at various times during my marriage and I found a picture of him with an erection titled “Thinking of so-and so”
What would you do?
Kick his butt out of the house. He is a cheater and I wouldn’t want to live with a man who deceived me all those years.
Men plz–will they one day have an affair–my husband & his coworker?
I recently found out my husband emails a coworker (Karen) at work. I went to a party with my husband and someone there (Lily) told me that my husband is emailing a coworker at work. She is friends with Karen and said she is really nice. I met this coworker he has been emailing & we talked briefly. She seems like a nice girl and she is cute. My husband introduced us, sort of, but didn’t tell me her name or tell him mine. He didn’t look sneaky at all when he did this. He then put his arm around me. He was attentive to me at the party and did talk to her a few times separately from me, but just for a couple of minutes. Nothing seemed fishy to me. I asked and Lily forwarded me Karen’s emails to my husband. Sometimes they’re just group emails, but he sure is attentive to her and there is some innocent flirting going on. Lily said that she felt compelled to tell me this, as this woman really has a crush on my husband.
Also, Lily said Karen & he are not having an affair, so WHEW, but she worries this might happen. Oh, Lily said he taped a funny picture of himself on Karen’s cubicle and was excited to see her reaction. I worry about that, too. Lily has never seen him flirt with anyone else in the office in all of the years she has known him, except flirting with Karen. He emails Karen all day, every day and in seconds, like they were instant messaging. I can tell by the timing of these emails when I viewed them. Do you think I should worry he may one day have an affair with her?
In all honesty, it does sound very flirtacious and if nothing else it has become noticable within the work environment, which can lead to a very bad situation or the termination of one or more employees if it goes unchecked.
It is very difficult to suppose whether or not your husband might ever cross the line into the world of cheating and it is not fair to to to predetermine what his likely course of action may one day be… what IS evident, is that not only are your feelings justifiable, but so are those of Lily because she felt it necessary to say something… it places her in a very bad position.
The time has come to sit down with your husband and share your considerations to ensure that he understands your feelings in regards to this matter. Be very certain to express to him in no uncertain terms that you are aware of his flirtacious behaviour and the consequences that were noticable in the party you attended. He needs to place a huge distance between himself and Karen for the sake of his work environment and for the sake of your marriage. Tell him people are starting to gossip and it looks bad to them and to you.
My husband’s still denying an affair I think he had with a coworker and this weekend there’s a company picnic.
My husband’s still denying an affair I think he had with a coworker and this weekend there’s a company picnic. I confronted my husband about this woman that was emailing his cell phone and calling him up for stupid things like phone #’s to places she could open the phone book for. We have not been the same since all this crap went down. He still denys the affair, I CAN’T PROVE IT but he’s told everyone on the job that I’m a “Crazy” wife instead of admitting that he put me in this position of worrying about what he’s doing while he’s working. I even saw the woman before and I was corgial towards her, kinda letting her know that I knew what was up with her. I shook her hand and said, “It’s nice to put a name to a face”. She just gave me a half-ass smile and said, “Nice meeting you too”. Now, my questions are: 1. Since my husband has “type-cast” me as “CRAZY WIFE” should I even attend this picnic? 2. How should I handle seeing this woman when everyone knows I think she’s doin’ my husband?
Oooooh, dear, I would DEFINITIVELY go to that picnic! And I would be the most charming and the most adorable creature every one there ever meet.Be the perfect lady, elegant, cheerful and welcoming, no matter what do you THINK others are saying or thinking…. That’s for the “crazy” label. As for those two… Keep an open eye, not spying – it’s undignifying – listen to everything and anyone, talk to her (if the opportunity appears) in general terms as like nothing ever happened. Over the years, I came to realize that is the best weapon – and the most elegant as well – against cheaters, other women and gossipers. Plus, seeing you looking ravishing could turn your husband right to the palm of your hand… It worked for me:)
Go get them, girl!
Husband had an affair and is now expecting a baby?
I just recently found out that my Husband has been having an affair and the other woman is carrying his child… We are trying to work on our marriage but I don’t feel like I can heal and move past this with that woman and the child in our lives… I had pleaded with my husband for years to start a family and he always said he was not ready and when I gave up my dreams of children for him… He does this… The woman has told me she has done nothing wrong. How can I face her and deal with her for the rest of my life when every time I look at her or this child I will be reminded of what my Husband did. I will look at this child and be reminded of the affair and that that child should be mine. She was a friend of ours my husband’s coworker and she new he was married… I have been with my husband since I was 13 years old I don’t know anything else.. I have such unforgiveness in my heart such bitterness… at my husband at the other woman at this unborn child and even God… I don’t know what to do I don’t know how to get past this and move forward with my marriage… Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed! Please Pray …I love my husband very much I just can’t deal with this other woman and this child in our lives right now, I need time! time for us to work on our marriage and time for me to move on!!!! and after that maybe we can deal with the child and the other woman… How do I get my Husband to understand this!
I started seeing my Husband when I was 13 I am now 24… we were together all through Highschool and College
The affair ended about 6 months ago she has since moved out of the state she is 7 months along now
you guys….. need counseling…. in order to get beyond this.