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My Husband Is Attracted To Someone Else
Author: Katie Lersch
Over the weekend, I received an email from a frantic woman who said that her husband had admitted that he is sexually attracted to a co worker. The husband swore that nothing had happened between them. There had allegedly been no sex and no physical contact, but the husband was guilty about the attraction and he wanted to tell his wife about it. The wife in turn had no idea how she was supposed to respond to or handle this. Should she be grateful that he told her? Could she believe that nothing was going on? Should she forbid him from seeing this woman? Should she be angry? Was this the same as cheating? I'll tell you what I told her in the following article.
If Your Husband Is Telling You About His Attraction To Someone Else Before An Affair Has Happened, This Is A Positive Thing: I can't tell you how many women write to me AFTER an affair has already happened and wish that the husband had told him about his feelings before anything happened (when they could actually do something about it.) Often, once the cat is out of the bag, it's already too late.
So, as much as it may hurt right now, I can promise you that this is better than being told about it after the fact. You're being given a very valuable heads up that can allow you to prevent a huge amount of damage. Yes, I know that it hurts. Yes, I know that you probably still feel quite betrayed and angry. This is completely understandable, but you also have to appreciate that your husband was willing to be honest with you, as hard and as risky as that might have been for him. The truth is he could've acted on this sexual attraction without uttering one word. Many men do this without a second thought. The fact that he came to you first indicates that he wants to fix things before he turns a corner that may well change the landscape of your marriage.
How To Handle It When Your Husband Tells You He's Attracted To Someone Else: Hopefully, by now you can see that there is some positive about this. However, the question as to what you should do now remains. You can't just ignore this. If this was just a little thing that would go away on it's own, your husband wouldn't risk what he is by telling you. He clearly thinks that this is serious enough to bring your attention to it. This situation has to be taken seriously and handled very quickly.
First, you should ask your husband for clarification. Without hounding or becoming hysterical, you should ask for further specifics. How long has he felt this way? How does she respond to him? Have they been together without others present? Is there mutual flirting going on? Has she approached him for something more? You need to know if he's having feelings that are being reciprocated.
Now, it's very important that you be very conscious of how you respond when he answers to these questions. Because if you respond with anger or more rapid fire questions, he's going to then know that he can't be honest with you because if he is, he'll only get a negative reaction. So, he's going to learn to clam up and to hide things from you. You can't have this. You need to keep communication open so that you can keep tabs on this situation.
The Best Way To Keep Your Husband From Her: Women will often ask me if they should forbid their husbands from seeing the other woman. Actually, you should leave this up to him. Your best bet is to make him happy and fulfilled at home so that he's motivated to stay away from her. Basically, you should outline for him that you want to focus on repairing and strengthening your marriage. Tell him that in order to do this, he can no longer have contact with her. It will be impossible or very difficult for you to keep his attention and commitment if you're always having to worry about her.
It's important that he get some pay off for telling you the truth so that he's encouraged to keep communication open. Try to be receptive, upbeat and committed to improving your marriage. If he sees that his situation is improved by being honest and open with you, he'll continue putting your marriage and you first. You have to do your part by allowing him to be honest about what's making him look elsewhere and then immediately addressing and fixing the issues.
The bottom line is that it's never fun to hear that your husband is attracted to someone else. But, his telling you about this before anything has actually happened actually shows his commitment and loyalty to you. This is actually a very positive thing. Many women do not have this luxury, so take advantage of this heads up and strengthen your marriage so that you never have to worry about this woman again.
I know that processing this is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before (and my husband did NOT tell me before he took action.) But, I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/